I may be quiet, but, inside my mind, it isn’t.
In larger gatherings, in the presence of strangers, I fade into the wallpaper with ears like radars, absorbing every sound and sight. Then the wheels in my head start to turn. A little hamster on a wheel lives inside of it. At times, the hamster takes a leisurely stroll. But in other times, it sprints. The distances of the sprints can be short. Little bursts of energy release, which quiets down, taking a moment to catch a breath, to digest what’s been ingested. These activities include ideas, rumination of the past, present and the endless possibilities of the future, cultural insights, current events and more. A jumble of voices, pulled in every direction, trying to out shout each other to be heard, a fierce competition, inside my single head that desires to move forward in a single direction.
In 2020, the sprint’s gone the distance, turning into a marathon. Can you imagine going for the entire stretch of twenty-six miles, forty-two kilometers at a mile, a kilometer a minute as a untrained, highly unprepared novice runner? Not even the world’s fastest marathoner could do that. Mile a minute, nonstop thoughts meant restless, sleepless nights, tension in every fiber of my body and shaking. The mind is not meant to be this noisy all the time.
This made me think about the Five of Wands, the midway of the suit of wands. The fiery action, general conflict of competition can be friendly or not so. Five people, each holding up their own staff or a wand if you will, wielding it against each other. It captures being in the middle of all that action. Is it just a game? Or a real battle for supremacy?
When one pulls this card in a reading, it points to a situation where there are too many ideas. Too many things happening. Everything, everywhere all at once. One is right smack in the middle of conflict, a competition to determine how to move forward. The challenge to the querent is what to do in order to break the stalemate? How do you cross from the middle way, the crossroads, the fork in the road onto the next chapter of the journey?
My head is a mess. I’ve got a million and one creative ideas and plans for myself. And somehow, I also find myself thinking about ideas and creative solutions for others. I ruminate on my experiences of being a woman, daughter, sister, wife, Filipino, former advertising executive, immigrant, former baker, writer, tarot reader and everything else in between. The sticks bonk my head and I want to escape, get out of the fray, to see the point of all this with a clearer perspective.
“Meditate.” Several friends urged me. “Meditate. It shouldn’t be hard.” My mentor Tito, who’s been meditating since he was in high school, prodded me to. So I tried. I’ve been trying, struggling since January. I tried using apps. I tried using repetition of mantras. I tried using music. I even was very tempted to buy mala beads thinking that would help. I tried the rosary instead, but, sorry, that didn’t help either. I was already considering signing up for the 10-day Vipassana silent retreat.
Is there no way that meditation could be easier to say the least?
I finally decided to take the plunge, invest and try transcendental meditation as recommended by my Tito. I desperately wanted to find relief from the nonstop noise inside my head. I deserved the peace and quiet. And after four consecutive days of 1.5 hours of mentoring of the technique, I am now meditating. It IS easy.
It’s been over a week and I’ve maintained a twice a day, twenty minute meditation practice. So instead of going a mile a minute, all day, everyday, my mind now comes to a slow down. It is a much needed water break from all the activity. One that refreshes not just my mind, but my body and soul.
Why did it take me over four decades to discover this?!?!? But no matter, at least, now I am equipped with this tool. Now, taking on the marathon that is life, feels more manageable.
This Thursday, May 5, will be the full moon of the month. Not just any other full moon, but a full moon in a penumbral lunar eclipse. It’s not the lunar eclipse of the imagination, but a very subtle one, a faint shadow at the edges of the moon. It is when the moon and Ketu or the south node, a mathematical point in space, intersect, or I’d like to think, kiss. It is happening in the sign of Libra, the scales, that represent balance and harmony, ruled by Venus. If you know Venus, it represents love and romance, relationships, art and life’s sweetness.
Within Libra, the eclipse is happening in the nakshatra or lunar mansion of Vishaka, who is also known as Radha. It’s symbol is a lush, decorated arch or the mandap, that is used in traditional Hindu marriage ceremonies.
When translated from Sanskrit, Vishaka means “the forked one” or “spreading branches” or “divided branches.” It is ruled by the combination of the deities, Indragni or Indra and Agni. Indra is the king of the gods, while Agni is the fire god. Choose one path in the fork in the road and go through the arch or the gateway. In one path, you can face the electrifying might of Indra. In the other, you will go through the purifying fire of Agni. Either pathway you chose, you will come out changed.
Lunar eclipses are said to be not so auspicious, so take your time to feel all the feelings and think about the things you are faced with right now. See you on the other side soon?
Sources:
Path of Light: Volume I by James Kelleher
Beneath A Vedic Sky by William R. Levacy
What I am watching:
I binged on “Indian Matchmaking” on Netflix. That is all. Everybody needs some light viewing!
If you’d like to read more about tarot cards and their meanings, head on over to what I’ve written below:
Major Arcana
Minor Arcana