There is no such thing as a self-made man. Or woman. Or person.
I was created by the joining of my mother’s egg and my father’s sperm. My mother pushed with all her might to bring me out of her womb and into the world where I was greeted by doctors and nurses in the hospital delivery room. I was hugged, kissed, cradled by excited grandparents, Titos and Titas. I am nourished everyday by the labor of farmers, ranchers, fishermen, drivers, supermarket stockers, vendors, cooks, bakers, servers. I am protected from the elements by the roof over my head built by carpenters, engineers, architects. I am able to move through this world by the roads built by engineers, construction workers. I was taught, mentored by teachers, gurus, bosses, elders. I am able to type this on my computer that runs on electricity by actual people who make sure the power plants run smoothly and go out to repair any power interruptions.
My life, on whatever level it is right now, whether or not you consider it successful or not, is on the shoulders of thousands, perhaps even millions of persons (even other beings! The animals, plants and to the tiniest plankton in the ocean.) who make the world work the way it does. I played a major role, but, as in awards shows go, I could not have done this all without you.
So I feel certain queasiness every time I hear about the narrative about the “self-made man.”
Last night, I got to watch the Academy Award nominated film “The Whale” starring Academy Award winner, 90’s heartthrob Brendan Fraser and Academy Award nominee Hong Chau. It was not on my list, but hey, it earned recognition. So why not? Plus, who’d turn down a free movie?
The tears started streaming down my cheeks, which I forcibly dabbed out as the living room lights of our friends’ townhouse opened as the end credits rolled. We all said our “thank you’s” and “goodbyes” then the song “Landslide” by Fleetwood Mac started streaming out of the speakers of our car. So did more tears. The actual landslide of my tears was an understatement.
Without giving any spoilers, Charlie, Brendan Fraser’s character, and his collapse into himself in grief and the American ideology of “pulling one’s self up by the bootstraps”- that intense and refusal to seek and accept help from others - spoke so much to me as I found myself in this spot a few years back. This made me think about the Three of Pentacles card - the card of teamwork and collaboration.
In the Minor Arcana, the suit of Pentacles or coin pertains to things of this Earth - wealth, career, security, values and health. Often, we forget about the health bit. But it allows us to function a particular way, whether with more advantages or limitations on this earthly life.
The traditional Rider-Waite Smith card shows three persons conferring under the arches of a building. A column supports two sub-arches under the main arch, which I suppose you could call it a load bearing column that carries and balances the weight of the structure. A carpenter or sculptor or skilled master of his craft hard at work with a monk and the architect presenting to him the plans, the blue print of what they were all working on, the ultimate goal, the vision.
When this is pulled in a reading, as mentioned, it is the “Avengers, assemble!” call. The dream team needs to come and work together to defeat the enemy, or in less hostile environments, just make the vision a living reality. It is impossible to work towards it alone. You need a team - each bringing a special skill and talent to the table. You need to turn to and ask for help from others. You cannot do it by yourself.
I’d like to think it also points to systems and organizations that could support one in achieving the dream. After all, supportive environments are fertile grounds, foundations that help the seeds sprout and grow into the strong, fruit bearing trees they are supposed to be.
“The Whale” reminded me of my nefarious thinking of I can do all things by myself. Fueled by my fierce independence and anchored on the saying “There is nothing I cannot do in the One who strengthens me.” From the letters of St. Paul to the Philippians 4:13. I turned to prayer, did all the Catholic things when I was deep into my depression and anxiety and yet I failed.
I knew it was not enough.
My entire body was heaving. Tears like a faucet stuck on its highest, strongest flow. My husband didn’t know what else he could do for me. But there was this urge to pick up the phone and call for help. I closed the door behind me in the closet, turned off the lights as I waited for the hold music to direct me to the next available counselor. I spent three hours on the phone with her, between sobs and bursts of exasperation, despair.
God bless her patience, sharing a compassionate listening ear to a stranger. She held my hand in health, directed me towards what I should do next. First was admitting something wrong was happening to me and I needed help. Then helping me realize that I already had resources within my reach and it was all about actually using them.
I went to therapy. I went to a psychiatrist. I drank medicine. I did acupuncture. I made sure I got exposed to sunlight. I walked outside everyday. I pulled cards. I talked to friends more often. I did not do all the things all by myself to get to my mental state today. I had help, so much help that I failed to see, reach out to and accept.
I pulled myself by the bootstraps, but I could not do it without others. I made myself to who I am today, but I not without my husband, our health insurance, my family, my friends, my therapist and doctors, my life coaches, my tarot cards.
I wish that everybody could lift the blinders from their eyes and see that they are not alone. That instead of holding our fists so tight, we’d slowly release each finger, opening our palms to accept help and blessings to eventually help make all our dreams come true.
NOTE: If you are in the US and thinking of ending your life, do not hesitate to call 988 for help. If you are in the Philippines, dial the most convenient number for you from the National Mental Health Crisis Hotline.
What I’m reading:
I bought several volumes of Trese, the Filipino graphic novel turned into a Netflix animated series about the life and adventures of supernatural detective and Mandirigmang Babaylan/ Warrior Shaman Alexandra Trese. I held off reading as I knew I had limited access to the newer volumes. But I greedily finished three volumes over this weekend.
It reminded me so much of home - the magic that it has. Both light and the darkness that lurks in corners we refuse to confront, including that in ourselves.
If you’re into mythology, I recommend this beautifully written and drawn story. I love that it was purposefully in black and white that echoes the battle, dance and co-existence and dependence between light and darkness.
What I’m watching:
My husband and I watched “Triangle of Sadness,” which stars our own homegrown talent Dolly de Leon, who’s gained much recognition for her performance as a supporting actor across the cinema circuit worldwide. Perhaps I should give more weight on writing about this film since I did this about “The Whale” But I definitely do urge you to go out and watch this film. It speaks a lot of the zeitgeist of today’s measure of success and reward.
If you’d like to read more about tarot cards and their meanings, head on over to what I’ve written below:
Major Arcana
Minor Arcana